Documented in my heart and mind for life.
These last few months have been spent well, with me and the Holy spirit.
I, for some reason, wasn't feeling like I should document publicly all that has happened but i would like to share some really beautiful insight I've gotten from January to now.
It has officially been ONE YEAR since I've moved back to Texas from the literal most wonderful season ever. I honestly thought, LORD HOW THE HECK ARE YOU GOING TO TOP THAT!? Being at Bethel in Redding was truly one of the sweetest chapters of my life. But ya'll, TEXAS... Our daddy in heaven knows us. He knows what we need and when we need it. He specifically hand picks the people He wants to place in our lives and He moves on behalf of us in the stillness and in the noisy mess and in my case... IN ALL OF MY STUBBORNNESS to not stay in Texas... Choosing obedience opened up a door to my heart that He wanted for Himself, knowing that it would impact who i am drastically.
I want to share a bit of my testimony of the goodness of our father in just these last few months... He is so sweet.
In this last year I've learned how to go low and serve in a place I had no desire to be in and with yucky pride in my heart thought I could never learn anything from these people or this place. How petty is that - to think i couldn't learn from people who love and serve the Lord with their entire hearts and are so hungry to see Him move.
*Short story insert*
I met this beautiful girl; So pure and loving. I mean seriously zealous and yearning for more of the Lord. She shared her story of how the Lord has carried and protected her in life. She asked like 10,000 questions about Him and his character. While listening to her I saw a lie I believed about myself rise to the surface. Unqualification and Comparison. I believed this because I thought I didn't know Him well enough, deep enough or intimate enough. I created a ridiculous standard for myself and built shame a home; a home that i started investing in every time I didn't meet that standard. So with every wonderful person I encountered, that standard shot up significantly. (By this time i had like a 2 story house with a 4.5 acre farm. You got it, the whole shabang! ha!)
It didn't happen over night but i eventually learned a different way to be teachable and realized that everyone gets to know Him differently. Its STINKIN' THINKIN' to think that your relationship with Him isn't the way its "supposed to be".
Submerge yourself in the word and thats how you can cultivate your own friendship with Him.
I chose to stay where i was placed until i heard him say go. I felt this urgency in my spirit to hide myself in Him... I really just wanted to be bitter and upset so I was for like a week and that didn't help... He turned my heart and ears to hear and receive what they said, take their qualities and make some my own. To instead of pitying myself and investing in my house of shame, I cut that off and chose to invest a deep well of love into my new friends. (this broke off some of that pride and entitlement! PRAISE HIM)
Reluctant to jump in on what i thought was the stupidest idea God had ever had, I am convinced that He is a flipping genius. You knew that already but #AMIRIGHT?!
In February on a Sunday the Holy Spirit woke me up and told me where to go for church that morning. I had been a little burned by this church before so I was almost refusing to go back. So of course I said no and went back to sleep... He woke me up again and told me the time it started. I looked it up He was right... 11am... when I got there He told me to sit strategically. So I found the young people and sat near them. I went up for prayer and told them that I was looking for a church family and a home. The next day (Monday night) I went to a group called The Project and honestly if you're in the DFW metroplex... GO! GO! GO! Every person welcomed me with complete open arms and immediately I felt like I was family. A girl i met told me about the worship team opportunities that were happening and in that same week on Thursday I auditioned.. a few weeks later started singing with them. GUYS If you know me, you know that worship is one of the greatest desires of my heart.. its the gift that the enemy attacks the most because (of course he is super jealous..SUCKAA) it is such a pure gift the lord has given me. Four years ago when i moved to Redding He asked me to give it to Him for my emotional healing. So I did and like a good sweet Daddy, He gave it back and its still growing. So many other things have come along with this.. like meeting the Man of my dreams (BLESS THE LORD) and finding so many incredible covenant friends whom i get to run alongside, fiercely after the lord.
Be encouraged today that He is not a Dad of "maybe this or maybe that" He is a "BOTH AND MORE" kinda Dad. Allow Him to be that for you.
I promise every desire you dreamt up on your own, He will surpass.
Never forget friends,
You are His CHOSEN ONE!